You got me.
You got me,
Down in that hole.
Deep and dank; dark.
You got me.
And you covered me, in dirt and silt.
Until I grew, and emerged.
And I bloomed, I was open.
You got me open.
And the sun and rain fell down on me.
And still you got me.
You got me.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Bree Dreams: A Great Flood
Sunday night I had insomnia. I fell asleep at 11pm and was back awake at 2. I was awake the rest of the night. I saw the sky change from dark blue to light pink to day. I heard the trains slow to a crawl, then the early morning rush hour began. I heard the trucks idling as they unloaded their cargo to the many restaurants downstairs; I heard the morning commute begin. I was a zombie Monday.
So last night, I came home and stayed up as long as I could: I wanted to fall asleep and fall asleep for the entire night. By 10pm I was out like a lamp.
And I dreamt vividly.
I can only remember the last dream though... but it is quite the dream to remember. I was back at my parent's house in Georgia. We live in a cul de sac and for some reason I was up the street, outside; it was dark. And a truck or car or something drove by and ran over a charred tree covered with burning embers. It was a cool sight to see, until we realized the tree (some how) came from what seemed to be a burning yard. My mother was with me-- or near me. Well she ran, extremely fast towards the house. "Mom don't!" I screamed, simultaneously as a fire truck pulled up.
Then I wasn't there anymore. I was at the house trying to get dressed. And it wasn't night anymore, it was later in the morning. But the urgency of the situation was there. Someone... I think my cousin was waiting for me to get dressed. I was frustrated because I had to dig through boxes stacked in a room and I couldn't find matching shoes or pants, etc. There were other people around talking with me, and I had to multitask between explaining something and getting ready to leave. Eventually it was just me and my foster sister, then just me, and finally I got dressed. I tossed some things in bag and left the house.
Oh and their was a van parked in the room. *shrug*
I was outside and it was a bit dark again... and me and another cousin and my foster sister were hiking up the street. Not the same yard as before, but a neighbor's house immediately across the street from us was on fire. The firefighters seemed to have had it contained and their was smoke and gutted doors and windows. I watched an old black woman with a head rag being helped out of her burning house. I asked some sort of strange or dumb question about the burnt out house, my cousin shot me down and I felt stupid for even asking.
So now we make it back down the street to where my mom was original. That's when it's morning again (I'm not sure why it keeps switching back and forth). And now I'm trying to make it to a yellow school bus. It was like I was late for school... I began to walk faster and then noticed water begin rushing out of one of the houses: the windows mostly. But for some reason I knew it wasn't going to get any better and I began to run. More water began rushing out, pouring out; shooting out. The street dips in the middle so that is where it began pooling first, but the water was moving so fast and coming so quickly you would have thought it was the beginning of a tsunami. So I ran as fast as I could with my foster sister up the street away from the water and towards the school bus. There were many people waiting outside the bus it seemed and as panicked as I was about the encroaching flood, everyone else seemed more annoyed with their own problems.
I got my foster sister on the bus, I got on the bus, then we kind of waited. I kept looking at the water that seemed to spread nowhere but towards the bus, and was worried; but at the same time the water was no longer coming speedily towards us. it was as if their was a drain (or you know, the rest of the neighborhood) it was seeping towards. That was the end of the dream. Actually that is all I can remember...
Dreaming of a great flood seems so noble. And yet, I felt like it was an omen.
So last night, I came home and stayed up as long as I could: I wanted to fall asleep and fall asleep for the entire night. By 10pm I was out like a lamp.
And I dreamt vividly.
I can only remember the last dream though... but it is quite the dream to remember. I was back at my parent's house in Georgia. We live in a cul de sac and for some reason I was up the street, outside; it was dark. And a truck or car or something drove by and ran over a charred tree covered with burning embers. It was a cool sight to see, until we realized the tree (some how) came from what seemed to be a burning yard. My mother was with me-- or near me. Well she ran, extremely fast towards the house. "Mom don't!" I screamed, simultaneously as a fire truck pulled up.
Then I wasn't there anymore. I was at the house trying to get dressed. And it wasn't night anymore, it was later in the morning. But the urgency of the situation was there. Someone... I think my cousin was waiting for me to get dressed. I was frustrated because I had to dig through boxes stacked in a room and I couldn't find matching shoes or pants, etc. There were other people around talking with me, and I had to multitask between explaining something and getting ready to leave. Eventually it was just me and my foster sister, then just me, and finally I got dressed. I tossed some things in bag and left the house.
Oh and their was a van parked in the room. *shrug*
I was outside and it was a bit dark again... and me and another cousin and my foster sister were hiking up the street. Not the same yard as before, but a neighbor's house immediately across the street from us was on fire. The firefighters seemed to have had it contained and their was smoke and gutted doors and windows. I watched an old black woman with a head rag being helped out of her burning house. I asked some sort of strange or dumb question about the burnt out house, my cousin shot me down and I felt stupid for even asking.
So now we make it back down the street to where my mom was original. That's when it's morning again (I'm not sure why it keeps switching back and forth). And now I'm trying to make it to a yellow school bus. It was like I was late for school... I began to walk faster and then noticed water begin rushing out of one of the houses: the windows mostly. But for some reason I knew it wasn't going to get any better and I began to run. More water began rushing out, pouring out; shooting out. The street dips in the middle so that is where it began pooling first, but the water was moving so fast and coming so quickly you would have thought it was the beginning of a tsunami. So I ran as fast as I could with my foster sister up the street away from the water and towards the school bus. There were many people waiting outside the bus it seemed and as panicked as I was about the encroaching flood, everyone else seemed more annoyed with their own problems.
I got my foster sister on the bus, I got on the bus, then we kind of waited. I kept looking at the water that seemed to spread nowhere but towards the bus, and was worried; but at the same time the water was no longer coming speedily towards us. it was as if their was a drain (or you know, the rest of the neighborhood) it was seeping towards. That was the end of the dream. Actually that is all I can remember...
Dreaming of a great flood seems so noble. And yet, I felt like it was an omen.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
I Had Two Thoughts This Morning
-I put too much faith in the perceived good character of others.
-One day the world will fall silent, and I will feel nothing at all, not even the panic.
For some reason that sounds suicidal but I can attest it's not; it's more along the lines of wishful thinking.
-One day the world will fall silent, and I will feel nothing at all, not even the panic.
For some reason that sounds suicidal but I can attest it's not; it's more along the lines of wishful thinking.
An Open Letter To My Internal Proceedings
Last night I came home, lay down in my bed, and fell asleep before 7; fully clothed and oblivious to the world.
I dreamt of nothing. I woke a few times only because of the sweat forming on my brow.
Mentally I stumbled awake around 2 in the morning, followed by physically rolling out of my bed-- in search of a toilet.
I returned to my room and haphazardly proceeded to undressed myself completely.
I got back into bed only to realize.... I was fully awake.
So of course I've just spent the past 3 hours replaying life in my head and watching the sky turn purple outside; feeling the onset of panic slip in and out of my throat as it often has for the past few months.
Taking deep breaths, massaging my chest; poking at mosquito bites, fiddling with my hair... anything subtle but real to wake myself up if I were really still asleep; if I'm really just dreaming of wakefulness.
I'm not.
At least, I don't think so.
From time to time I forget if I'm awake or asleep (or is it that I've lost the ability to tell the difference).
From time to time I wonder if I'm dead.
I wonder if I'm in some strange purgatory. Sometimes things are just so ridiculous, presumptuously daft, sometimes all the coincidences are too perfectly fitted together that I'm unsure if it's reality or just a trick of the mind.
I've hit a point of consciousness where the edges of my reality have melded with the edges of surreality, fantasy; the unknown.
I was feeling so good a week ago.
But that was probably just manic.
I dreamt of nothing. I woke a few times only because of the sweat forming on my brow.
Mentally I stumbled awake around 2 in the morning, followed by physically rolling out of my bed-- in search of a toilet.
I returned to my room and haphazardly proceeded to undressed myself completely.
I got back into bed only to realize.... I was fully awake.
So of course I've just spent the past 3 hours replaying life in my head and watching the sky turn purple outside; feeling the onset of panic slip in and out of my throat as it often has for the past few months.
Taking deep breaths, massaging my chest; poking at mosquito bites, fiddling with my hair... anything subtle but real to wake myself up if I were really still asleep; if I'm really just dreaming of wakefulness.
I'm not.
At least, I don't think so.
From time to time I forget if I'm awake or asleep (or is it that I've lost the ability to tell the difference).
From time to time I wonder if I'm dead.
I wonder if I'm in some strange purgatory. Sometimes things are just so ridiculous, presumptuously daft, sometimes all the coincidences are too perfectly fitted together that I'm unsure if it's reality or just a trick of the mind.
I've hit a point of consciousness where the edges of my reality have melded with the edges of surreality, fantasy; the unknown.
I was feeling so good a week ago.
But that was probably just manic.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
I Went For a Jog and Came Back...
...a cynic. Just like that; dredging through life it seems one minute at
a time judging everyone I see and drawing in my perimeter: Don't touch
me. I loathe you. Why are you breathing near me?
I wish I could blame others. Society is morally crumbling faster each day; but I have to blame myself. Curse my cancerian signage! I really do try and open up: I'm not a prude. I'm pretty easy going, but I do take things very personal.
More often than not some poor human judgement on my part makes me scuttle back into my shell. No more adventures for me.
And when this happens, either I care too much or not at all. there is no gray in that thought process, though rarely do I not care at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it usually will eat at me.
But there is hope yes? Hope for those who are angry and snarky and pessimistic like me. Just kidding not really...
Well actually I don't know. All I know is the more I press forward the more it burns my skin, this hell I'm living in (hey it rhymes).
Flames licking at me when I sleep and when I wake, no down time. Interacting with others takes so much of my energy. It's exhausting. Especially when someone wants my time and I'm hesitant to give them it. I feel tired just thinking about it.
Oh, I also don't trust anyone. *sigh* Of course I do a little... because I am the one person who will always give a benefit of the doubt. But every time I get burned I trust a little less.
I really want to believe mankind isn't a giant quivering asshole. But it is. Bleached pink and ever flowing with the endless shit that is...well, shit.
That's okay though. That's what being a cynic is all about. Finding the brown lining that is undoubtedly hidden behind the silver. Pointing it out and saying, "Hey look everyone! Look how shitty this thing is. Isn't it terrible? Isn't it the worst?"
hmm.. Don't you hate those awkward dreams you have? Those sex dreams with a person you never were attracted to or felt anything for. During the dream you're loving it, but when you wake up you feel weird, maybe even ashamed that you fucked your friend's dad, or your ex- boyfriend's brother.
That's how I feel sometimes ... that weird slightly worried but mostly confused feeling you get when you realize you mentally fucked someone (or didn't, maybe you just dreamt of weird sexy things with them). Either way it stays with you.
It lingers.
It's annoying.
I'm annoyed.
I wish I could blame others. Society is morally crumbling faster each day; but I have to blame myself. Curse my cancerian signage! I really do try and open up: I'm not a prude. I'm pretty easy going, but I do take things very personal.
More often than not some poor human judgement on my part makes me scuttle back into my shell. No more adventures for me.
And when this happens, either I care too much or not at all. there is no gray in that thought process, though rarely do I not care at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it usually will eat at me.
But there is hope yes? Hope for those who are angry and snarky and pessimistic like me. Just kidding not really...
Well actually I don't know. All I know is the more I press forward the more it burns my skin, this hell I'm living in (hey it rhymes).
Flames licking at me when I sleep and when I wake, no down time. Interacting with others takes so much of my energy. It's exhausting. Especially when someone wants my time and I'm hesitant to give them it. I feel tired just thinking about it.
Oh, I also don't trust anyone. *sigh* Of course I do a little... because I am the one person who will always give a benefit of the doubt. But every time I get burned I trust a little less.
I really want to believe mankind isn't a giant quivering asshole. But it is. Bleached pink and ever flowing with the endless shit that is...well, shit.
That's okay though. That's what being a cynic is all about. Finding the brown lining that is undoubtedly hidden behind the silver. Pointing it out and saying, "Hey look everyone! Look how shitty this thing is. Isn't it terrible? Isn't it the worst?"
hmm.. Don't you hate those awkward dreams you have? Those sex dreams with a person you never were attracted to or felt anything for. During the dream you're loving it, but when you wake up you feel weird, maybe even ashamed that you fucked your friend's dad, or your ex- boyfriend's brother.
That's how I feel sometimes ... that weird slightly worried but mostly confused feeling you get when you realize you mentally fucked someone (or didn't, maybe you just dreamt of weird sexy things with them). Either way it stays with you.
It lingers.
It's annoying.
I'm annoyed.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 28
I actually wasn't all that hungry today. Probably because for the first time in my existence I knew my fate if I ate anything lol. I was going to fast all day, but why? I knew what I did last night... That bread was going nowhere. Instead I had a tiny bit of steamed cauliflower and even less avocado. I also had an apple later. It actually did the trick. I ate way way WAY under the amount I was suppose to... Would it help me fall back down into the 195 range.
Weigh in: 197
Dot dot dot....
Yeah, I screwed the pooch on that one. Dr. Gene looked at me and I told him, I surely cheated this week. Truth is, I've cheated throughout most of this, but never a big cheat outside of extra fruit and vegs and the occasional spot of cheese. Bread, beer, and late night eating was a BIG no no; and it showed.
He started cleaning the area to apply balls to rotate for another week. Um, no! He seemed perplexed. I explained, "I'm done. I'm going into maintenance." He said I'm the controller of my body but... I should really do one more cycle...
No, I cheated so much because I don't want to do it anymore. A) It is expensive and B) I'm ready to return to a healthy lifestyle where I was running faster and longer each day, eating breakfast lunch, dinner, and healthy snacks, drinking with friends and not getting terrible cramps when doing strength training. I think this program gave me a lot to think about, and helped me shed some weight quickly and boost my weight loss efforts, but I don't want to go another month -- Dr. Gene believes I'd be a poster child and could lose "60 whole pounds" if I just stay on it longer-- without working out.
And yes, I love to eat. However, there is a balance I needed to find and I feel like this has helped shed light on some of my bad habits. Kudos to the program and to me. I'm just ready to move on to phase two. I gave myself until July to get down to 190. The third phase is to get down to at least 175 by November. If I managed that, I would be down 55lbs in a year. After that I will assess my weight and tone and figure out then if I need to lose any more. I have a plan. I'm really bad at sticking to plans. This wasn't originally my plan, but I'm still glad I did it.
On a final note,
I won't write every day or two now that I'm on maintenance. After the next two weeks I will try and keep up with my weight loss success on more of a monthly basis.
Weigh in: 197
Dot dot dot....
Yeah, I screwed the pooch on that one. Dr. Gene looked at me and I told him, I surely cheated this week. Truth is, I've cheated throughout most of this, but never a big cheat outside of extra fruit and vegs and the occasional spot of cheese. Bread, beer, and late night eating was a BIG no no; and it showed.
He started cleaning the area to apply balls to rotate for another week. Um, no! He seemed perplexed. I explained, "I'm done. I'm going into maintenance." He said I'm the controller of my body but... I should really do one more cycle...
No, I cheated so much because I don't want to do it anymore. A) It is expensive and B) I'm ready to return to a healthy lifestyle where I was running faster and longer each day, eating breakfast lunch, dinner, and healthy snacks, drinking with friends and not getting terrible cramps when doing strength training. I think this program gave me a lot to think about, and helped me shed some weight quickly and boost my weight loss efforts, but I don't want to go another month -- Dr. Gene believes I'd be a poster child and could lose "60 whole pounds" if I just stay on it longer-- without working out.
And yes, I love to eat. However, there is a balance I needed to find and I feel like this has helped shed light on some of my bad habits. Kudos to the program and to me. I'm just ready to move on to phase two. I gave myself until July to get down to 190. The third phase is to get down to at least 175 by November. If I managed that, I would be down 55lbs in a year. After that I will assess my weight and tone and figure out then if I need to lose any more. I have a plan. I'm really bad at sticking to plans. This wasn't originally my plan, but I'm still glad I did it.
On a final note,
I won't write every day or two now that I'm on maintenance. After the next two weeks I will try and keep up with my weight loss success on more of a monthly basis.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 27
The day went fine at first...
I made a carrot and cauliflower ginger soup last night and sipped on it all day. It was pretty tasty and filling. But when I was headed home... I got cravings man! It's definitely because I was not following the diet very well anymore. I ate some bread and honey. Oh and half an avocado... and prunes. At this point I was like, " I need to clear this crap from my body." Sigh. I jut couldn't hold out a few more days could I?
I made a carrot and cauliflower ginger soup last night and sipped on it all day. It was pretty tasty and filling. But when I was headed home... I got cravings man! It's definitely because I was not following the diet very well anymore. I ate some bread and honey. Oh and half an avocado... and prunes. At this point I was like, " I need to clear this crap from my body." Sigh. I jut couldn't hold out a few more days could I?
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 26
Ohhhh boy. I just can't stop! I'm so over this diet... I fasted most of today to make up for my shitty yesterday... I still had a bit o yogurt but mostly tea. Plus because I was still semi- hung over from Friday, I wasn't really hungry anyways.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 25
I was NOT hungry today. Kinda hung over from drinking like I eat regularly or something... I spent my time walking around all day and when it was all said and done, I was back down to 195.... I need to get my snit together... where are my sunglasses... so bright... lol
Not really, I'd have to be black out drunk to be that messed up. My "hang overs" consist mostly of me not feeling hungry for a day or two and wanting to sleep in. I still function pretty normally outside of that. I went and got a facial today. It was nice, soothing, tranquil... until at the end the lady tried to sell me on a monthly 200 dollars spa package.
"Um... I need to think about it."
"Come on, you can afford to do something for you."
"Yeah, but I need to make sure I can afford such luxury."
"You need this."
Excuse me? Don't tell me what I NEED or WANT or can AFFORD. Who are you, my personal accountant? Bitch back the f*ck up! After telling the woman I was not interested three more times, she seemed exasperated with me and even mad I didn't cave. Whatever.
Not really, I'd have to be black out drunk to be that messed up. My "hang overs" consist mostly of me not feeling hungry for a day or two and wanting to sleep in. I still function pretty normally outside of that. I went and got a facial today. It was nice, soothing, tranquil... until at the end the lady tried to sell me on a monthly 200 dollars spa package.
"Um... I need to think about it."
"Come on, you can afford to do something for you."
"Yeah, but I need to make sure I can afford such luxury."
"You need this."
Excuse me? Don't tell me what I NEED or WANT or can AFFORD. Who are you, my personal accountant? Bitch back the f*ck up! After telling the woman I was not interested three more times, she seemed exasperated with me and even mad I didn't cave. Whatever.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 24
.... Yeah about what I said yesterday lol
I woke up with a plan. I thought I was following the plan. The plan went awry. I Think it is because of the watermelon. Whenever I eat watermelon, as should be expected, I'm not usually filled by it. It is mostly water. So my plan of a banana and mad melon fell short. I ended up at whole foods eating a bit of seaweed salad and saag paneer (my favorite green thing ever created). Not to mention a vegan gingersnap cookie. I was like, no butter, no egg, no milk no problem! However, it was made with wheat flour; and oil. Which is probably much worst than dairy. I also... have a carrot ginger soup sitting here next to me. Yes, that is how hungry I thought I was. I ate all the rest and realized I wasn't hungry enough to eat the soup, which is fine.
I was suppose to hang out tonight but the longer it takes for my friend to get his sh*t together the more clothes I've transitioned out of lol. I started with sweats, and have moved on to a more comfortable top. If I take off my mascara that's a rap!
Speaking of which, I bought some makeup from Sophora today. I found a lip color for the spring, a red, and some mascara because the one I have that isn't from the dollor store is so empty dust and bats fly out when I open it. It was a good buy.
Update: Um.... I did end up going out... and I started with a glass of wine... and it turned into two martinis and a beer LOL. I was pretty trashed seeing as how I hardly eat. I had a salad also after hours (bad bad bree) It was awesome. Couldn't finish it though. Nothing but downhill from here... I hope
I woke up with a plan. I thought I was following the plan. The plan went awry. I Think it is because of the watermelon. Whenever I eat watermelon, as should be expected, I'm not usually filled by it. It is mostly water. So my plan of a banana and mad melon fell short. I ended up at whole foods eating a bit of seaweed salad and saag paneer (my favorite green thing ever created). Not to mention a vegan gingersnap cookie. I was like, no butter, no egg, no milk no problem! However, it was made with wheat flour; and oil. Which is probably much worst than dairy. I also... have a carrot ginger soup sitting here next to me. Yes, that is how hungry I thought I was. I ate all the rest and realized I wasn't hungry enough to eat the soup, which is fine.
I was suppose to hang out tonight but the longer it takes for my friend to get his sh*t together the more clothes I've transitioned out of lol. I started with sweats, and have moved on to a more comfortable top. If I take off my mascara that's a rap!
Speaking of which, I bought some makeup from Sophora today. I found a lip color for the spring, a red, and some mascara because the one I have that isn't from the dollor store is so empty dust and bats fly out when I open it. It was a good buy.
Update: Um.... I did end up going out... and I started with a glass of wine... and it turned into two martinis and a beer LOL. I was pretty trashed seeing as how I hardly eat. I had a salad also after hours (bad bad bree) It was awesome. Couldn't finish it though. Nothing but downhill from here... I hope
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 23
I turned over a new leaf! I didn't cheat today and I spaced out my yogurt much better so I would be very full heading into the night.
It was a good thing if I may say so out loud. I need to learn to take responsibility for my actions. Not saying I don't already, but I need to see what I'm doing wrong and do what I can to change it. So I did. 5 more days to go!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 17 - 22
Oh how the time does fly. I've been really out of it lately you guys sorry. I spaced a few nights, a few nights I passed out (tired) and a few nights I had another post for another blog up on my screen and I didn't want to exit out of it.
This past few days were filled with cheats and sneaks and the biggest of surprises: weight loss.
Official weigh in: 198
It seems even though I cheated and had beans, a bit of cheese, and wonton soup I still managed to lose a whopping five pounds. Inches wise, just over half an inch. I'm sure if I would have been diligent and less lazy, it easily could have been more. My weigh in was on this past Sunday morning. Afterwards I rushed on to work and told myself I need to do better this next cycle.
Next cycle? What? Yeah... I went ahead and did the last cycle. Dr. Gene was already prepping the balls even though I told him I wanted to go into maintenance. He told me that if I skip this third cycle and go into maintenance, I have a 50 percent chance of gaining all the weight back... This is probably the first thing this man has told me that is probably untrue, but what do I know. Shut up and take my money....
Either way, I realize I have a tendency to quit everything I ever start and it is probably for the best that I finish this. I'm on day 13 of the squat challenge and though it's not necessarily hard, I'm just ready to end it because, like I said, I quit everything. Anyways, I left the office surprised and my weight loss and ready to splurge on something non Sadkhin like in nature.
I ate a veggie sandwich. This is my first time having bread. Yes, I was stopped up for days.... I told myself I need to start cheating. I could tell I wasn't going to lose anymore weight if I kept splurging and cheating. What's the point of this if I'm not going to take it seriously? Just a waste of time, money, and tasty fatty food if you ask me. Dr. Gene "predicts' five more pounds. I myself can see no more than three. I spent the first three days slipping and sliding. Today I was find and I did not nibble on anything extra.
Oh yeah by the way, This pasts Tuesday was the first time I did the yogurt. Oh my gawd it was like heaven. Why was I not doing this before!! All those wasted milk days I could have been eating what tasted like vanilla cheesecake. A lil vinilla extract, some plain yogurt, a bit of cinnamon,;raw honey. It tasted like liquid cheesecake. It was oh so delicious! I was unsure if I was going to do yogurt again this weekend, or if I should do milk. I feel like I should go back to milk because of the cheating I did in the beginning: you know, like the fast I did before. Mostly tea, topped off with milk, but I'm sure that's not the best way to deal with my problem. We'll see.
This past few days were filled with cheats and sneaks and the biggest of surprises: weight loss.
Official weigh in: 198
It seems even though I cheated and had beans, a bit of cheese, and wonton soup I still managed to lose a whopping five pounds. Inches wise, just over half an inch. I'm sure if I would have been diligent and less lazy, it easily could have been more. My weigh in was on this past Sunday morning. Afterwards I rushed on to work and told myself I need to do better this next cycle.
Next cycle? What? Yeah... I went ahead and did the last cycle. Dr. Gene was already prepping the balls even though I told him I wanted to go into maintenance. He told me that if I skip this third cycle and go into maintenance, I have a 50 percent chance of gaining all the weight back... This is probably the first thing this man has told me that is probably untrue, but what do I know. Shut up and take my money....
Either way, I realize I have a tendency to quit everything I ever start and it is probably for the best that I finish this. I'm on day 13 of the squat challenge and though it's not necessarily hard, I'm just ready to end it because, like I said, I quit everything. Anyways, I left the office surprised and my weight loss and ready to splurge on something non Sadkhin like in nature.
I ate a veggie sandwich. This is my first time having bread. Yes, I was stopped up for days.... I told myself I need to start cheating. I could tell I wasn't going to lose anymore weight if I kept splurging and cheating. What's the point of this if I'm not going to take it seriously? Just a waste of time, money, and tasty fatty food if you ask me. Dr. Gene "predicts' five more pounds. I myself can see no more than three. I spent the first three days slipping and sliding. Today I was find and I did not nibble on anything extra.
Oh yeah by the way, This pasts Tuesday was the first time I did the yogurt. Oh my gawd it was like heaven. Why was I not doing this before!! All those wasted milk days I could have been eating what tasted like vanilla cheesecake. A lil vinilla extract, some plain yogurt, a bit of cinnamon,;raw honey. It tasted like liquid cheesecake. It was oh so delicious! I was unsure if I was going to do yogurt again this weekend, or if I should do milk. I feel like I should go back to milk because of the cheating I did in the beginning: you know, like the fast I did before. Mostly tea, topped off with milk, but I'm sure that's not the best way to deal with my problem. We'll see.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 16
Another milk day. Nothing much happened today (that had anything to do with the diet). I ate a bit of celery and the tiniest bit of chicken. Oops I jumped ahead (and uh, yeah that counts as something happening doesn't it? LOL).
Some of my coworkers wanted to go out for drinks last night. It was planned like literally a month in advance. I was going to bail mostly because I was kinda tired and I knew the place we were going has bomb food. I still showed up. I had those said drinks, in fact way too many, and I munched on a celery stick (baited by my coworkers as "Celery is fine! it takes more energy to chew it than it gives you! It'll be like you're not eating at all").
Honestly, I'm ready to go back to being able to work out hard. I really miss that and I was making so much progress moving up the treadmill ladder.
Can't do that unless I can get a lil more protein in me. Everything is fitting me nicely though. I've moved down from pants I stole from y sister's closet because I had gotten too fat for my own, to pants I've had and worn two years ago... This is going to sound bonkers, but I have a couple of pants that I've NEVER been able to fit but I was on such a roll losing weight... I bought them anyway lol. They were on sale, and I knew in 15 lbs I'd fit them. Never got to that said 15 lbs though. Sooooo yeah. Just taking up space. But I refuse to give them away! I'm going to wear them pants dang it, if it's the last thing I do!!
Some of my coworkers wanted to go out for drinks last night. It was planned like literally a month in advance. I was going to bail mostly because I was kinda tired and I knew the place we were going has bomb food. I still showed up. I had those said drinks, in fact way too many, and I munched on a celery stick (baited by my coworkers as "Celery is fine! it takes more energy to chew it than it gives you! It'll be like you're not eating at all").
Honestly, I'm ready to go back to being able to work out hard. I really miss that and I was making so much progress moving up the treadmill ladder.
Can't do that unless I can get a lil more protein in me. Everything is fitting me nicely though. I've moved down from pants I stole from y sister's closet because I had gotten too fat for my own, to pants I've had and worn two years ago... This is going to sound bonkers, but I have a couple of pants that I've NEVER been able to fit but I was on such a roll losing weight... I bought them anyway lol. They were on sale, and I knew in 15 lbs I'd fit them. Never got to that said 15 lbs though. Sooooo yeah. Just taking up space. But I refuse to give them away! I'm going to wear them pants dang it, if it's the last thing I do!!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 14 and 15
So I did fine on Tuesday. Just regular ole veggies and what not. It was Wednesday that had me crazy.
I feel like this cycle I am a little more hungry. Dr. Gene did say if I feel a bit hungry I can eat maybe a half a pound more of vegetables. I ate mostly apples and pineapples. I went to a bar I used to work at because I hadn't seen my peeps in so long... The food there is really good. I didn't order any. I was a good girl.
Until I got drunk during glass number two (I was told, if the glass is never empty that still counts as one glass of wine! HA!). After that I left and was so torn between going home and scavenging for food. I live between a Dunkin' Donuts and a Subways for crying out loud. Lucky for me both restaurants are absolutely disgusting. I don't even look at those establishments as food options. The taco cart on the other hand....
I bought myself a taco. A bean taco. with cilantro and onions and guac and hot sauce and deliciousness. It was the best taco of my life. I felt a bit sick after it though. Definitely like I ate too much.
Other than that I'm rotating. If knowing I spent money can't even keep me from cheating, that means I should definitely go into maintenance. The other thing is, I lost nearly the 20 lbs I was going for. I'm not interested in losing 60 lbs on this. I just needed a booster. I do want to continue working on myself, toning up, and losing a bit more weight, but I want to go about it slower. I'm leaning more and more towards maintenance. Don't judge me with your judging eyes!!
I feel like this cycle I am a little more hungry. Dr. Gene did say if I feel a bit hungry I can eat maybe a half a pound more of vegetables. I ate mostly apples and pineapples. I went to a bar I used to work at because I hadn't seen my peeps in so long... The food there is really good. I didn't order any. I was a good girl.
Until I got drunk during glass number two (I was told, if the glass is never empty that still counts as one glass of wine! HA!). After that I left and was so torn between going home and scavenging for food. I live between a Dunkin' Donuts and a Subways for crying out loud. Lucky for me both restaurants are absolutely disgusting. I don't even look at those establishments as food options. The taco cart on the other hand....
I bought myself a taco. A bean taco. with cilantro and onions and guac and hot sauce and deliciousness. It was the best taco of my life. I felt a bit sick after it though. Definitely like I ate too much.
Other than that I'm rotating. If knowing I spent money can't even keep me from cheating, that means I should definitely go into maintenance. The other thing is, I lost nearly the 20 lbs I was going for. I'm not interested in losing 60 lbs on this. I just needed a booster. I do want to continue working on myself, toning up, and losing a bit more weight, but I want to go about it slower. I'm leaning more and more towards maintenance. Don't judge me with your judging eyes!!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 13
Captains log:
It just hit me that if I was a captain of some sort of ship keeping a log, I'd probably forget to write in it lol. The reader can't tell... but I don't always do it on the night that it says I post it. Sometimes I do two back to back, I just change the time stamp (naughty technically advance Bree).
Today I woke up and said, f*ck milk! I'ma fast! And so I did. I felt kind of bad about NOT drinking milk... so I added a bit to my tea, just a top off. Not enough to even call drinking milk really. I managed to drink that said tea all day. I've been going through a bout of not drinking as much liquid as I did before starting. especially on milk days it seem; which is weird, because I usually mix the milk and tea together.
Anyways, I did well. I wasn't really hungry. I did however, get that throat closing sensation again. I think it's because I think about terrible things in my head over and over again. And then because I can't eat crap, I just have to deal with the anxiety of all the terrible things I've thought about.
I came home and had myself a bowl of veggie broth after 6pm. I added onions and cilantro, just like they said I could. That was the first time the entire day I kinda was hungry. It satisfied for the time being and I officially fasted mostly for the day. I'm proud of myself. There are these freakin' corn chips on the counter in my apartment, and they are just begging to be scarfed. No scarfing did I though!
Tomorrow I think I will be eating apples, the last plum I have, and if it's any good, an avocado. I bought it because they were on sale, but you can only have one a day so... buying the two for 1 on the last veggie day is probably not the greatest idea.
If no, I think I will just eat pineapple or a banana! We will see.
I'm so over this. Yep, I've been complaining from the beginning, tis my way. I'm also bad at these type of things. I have no will power (though, honestly, I've been sitting around chocolate cake and all types of things and not eating them so... maybe I have more than I think).
Onward I go... I will see how this week finishes out. Then make a decision after that.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 12
Alright... so day of the big dinner.
Yeah... I cheated big time lol. Not like full out rice beans, pasta oil mushrooms type, but there was lobster. LOBSTER! How do I not eat that? Some cold shrimp, lobster, veggies and fruit. It was a milk day mind you. It was also super good lol. I regret nothing! (which is a lie, I totally regret everything I ate). Including that cookie at the end.
I thought it was suppose to be a regular dinner. Come to find out it was buffet style, aka, the ultimate evil on this diet. And I didn't have to pay for it... so I'd be an ass not to eat free lobster!!
I drank some milk during the day in an attempt to make myself so full I wouldn't eat much at dinner. Sorta worked? I dunno. but I do have to say, I know this is gonna come back and bite me in the booty later I'm sure.
Later I had a glass of wine and moped about my lobster feast (not really, but you know) with my friend. He told me not to worry about it. Tomorrow's a new day.
It is. A new day I've decided to fast on! lol. (He said oh yea, slow down you metabolism, that will help). But what else is a cheater like me suppose to do? Alas, we will see how tomorrow goes. No more cheating for me!
Yeah... I cheated big time lol. Not like full out rice beans, pasta oil mushrooms type, but there was lobster. LOBSTER! How do I not eat that? Some cold shrimp, lobster, veggies and fruit. It was a milk day mind you. It was also super good lol. I regret nothing! (which is a lie, I totally regret everything I ate). Including that cookie at the end.
I thought it was suppose to be a regular dinner. Come to find out it was buffet style, aka, the ultimate evil on this diet. And I didn't have to pay for it... so I'd be an ass not to eat free lobster!!
I drank some milk during the day in an attempt to make myself so full I wouldn't eat much at dinner. Sorta worked? I dunno. but I do have to say, I know this is gonna come back and bite me in the booty later I'm sure.
Later I had a glass of wine and moped about my lobster feast (not really, but you know) with my friend. He told me not to worry about it. Tomorrow's a new day.
It is. A new day I've decided to fast on! lol. (He said oh yea, slow down you metabolism, that will help). But what else is a cheater like me suppose to do? Alas, we will see how tomorrow goes. No more cheating for me!
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 11
I woke up and found my friend had left ALL of his freakin' food in my living room. He bought so much food he couldn't even finish it. That means there was garlic chicken, chicken and string beans, rice, the rest of my soup, a whole quart of mai fun noodle soup... sigh.
I looked at it. I touched it. I brought it to my lips. I threw all of that shit in the trash. All except the soup. He never touched it and I put it in the freezer. I hate throwing away food; wasting. I ate my plums which were not as ripe as I like them, but tart so acceptable. I drank a lot of tea today. Late I don't think I've been drinking enough liquid, and because of all of my little cheats I thought maybe that's why I haven't had to go potty.
In the middle of trying to eat a plum, I got really really sleepy. I did hang out late last night, so I guess it made since. I fell asleep for a few hours, and when I woke up it was around 5pm. I didn't eat again. I just wasn't hungry, and I didn't want to force myself to eat just because 6pm was creeping up.
I had a glass of wine and hung out with my roommate in the living room talking about how stupid it is for girls to wear heels because guys mostly don't care.
I didn't cheat again. Says the girl who is going to order fish tomorrow when she goes to dinner. Man do I love sabotaging myself. But I just don't want to have to explain anything. I'll have my glass of red wine. I'll eat my veggies and take a little bite of fish. Controlled cheating at it's finest. Thought according to Cathy's blog this is probably the worst time in the cycle to do this.
I looked at it. I touched it. I brought it to my lips. I threw all of that shit in the trash. All except the soup. He never touched it and I put it in the freezer. I hate throwing away food; wasting. I ate my plums which were not as ripe as I like them, but tart so acceptable. I drank a lot of tea today. Late I don't think I've been drinking enough liquid, and because of all of my little cheats I thought maybe that's why I haven't had to go potty.
In the middle of trying to eat a plum, I got really really sleepy. I did hang out late last night, so I guess it made since. I fell asleep for a few hours, and when I woke up it was around 5pm. I didn't eat again. I just wasn't hungry, and I didn't want to force myself to eat just because 6pm was creeping up.
I had a glass of wine and hung out with my roommate in the living room talking about how stupid it is for girls to wear heels because guys mostly don't care.
I didn't cheat again. Says the girl who is going to order fish tomorrow when she goes to dinner. Man do I love sabotaging myself. But I just don't want to have to explain anything. I'll have my glass of red wine. I'll eat my veggies and take a little bite of fish. Controlled cheating at it's finest. Thought according to Cathy's blog this is probably the worst time in the cycle to do this.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 10
Oh boy...
So Yeah, you know the saying, you do it once, you're gonna do it again.... Is that a saying? Well if not, it's the truth. I cheated today. I was off of work, and it was the first of two veggie days ( when you get the balls changed, you start over again with veggie days, so technically I'm about to have three veggie days in a row).
So I decided I wanted to buy some shoes today. But I didn't go out until later in the after noon, I spent the day cleaning up my room, rolling around my bed, and then taking a shower and finally going to Union Square to by some shoes from Nordstrom of the Rack. I found some really cute tall tall wedges. Not usually my style, but I saw them months ago and no one bought them and they were on sale so, mine!
But first I went to Whole Foods to try and find plums. Dr. Gene said my second day was going to be me eating plums all day. I bought a few apples, some asparagus and a gaggle of plums. I ate an apple and then went shopping. At the end of my shoe find, was the clock pointing to almost 6pm so I tried to eat another apple, but I could only get through half. I was too full.
Almost made it without cheating. A friend of mine came over and we went to a bar. I had one glass of wine-- which is allowed, but that wasn't the issue. The issue was he wanted to eat so we went back to my apartment with what... 20 dollars worth of chinese food. I had wonton soup broth.... at first. I ate two wontons. He ordered mad food, and I did eat another piece of chicken. All and all, I think I did pretty good, but I still cheated. Can't keep doing that.
I drank a lot of water before going to sleep; I haven't really had to poop in a while lol.
So Yeah, you know the saying, you do it once, you're gonna do it again.... Is that a saying? Well if not, it's the truth. I cheated today. I was off of work, and it was the first of two veggie days ( when you get the balls changed, you start over again with veggie days, so technically I'm about to have three veggie days in a row).
So I decided I wanted to buy some shoes today. But I didn't go out until later in the after noon, I spent the day cleaning up my room, rolling around my bed, and then taking a shower and finally going to Union Square to by some shoes from Nordstrom of the Rack. I found some really cute tall tall wedges. Not usually my style, but I saw them months ago and no one bought them and they were on sale so, mine!
But first I went to Whole Foods to try and find plums. Dr. Gene said my second day was going to be me eating plums all day. I bought a few apples, some asparagus and a gaggle of plums. I ate an apple and then went shopping. At the end of my shoe find, was the clock pointing to almost 6pm so I tried to eat another apple, but I could only get through half. I was too full.
Almost made it without cheating. A friend of mine came over and we went to a bar. I had one glass of wine-- which is allowed, but that wasn't the issue. The issue was he wanted to eat so we went back to my apartment with what... 20 dollars worth of chinese food. I had wonton soup broth.... at first. I ate two wontons. He ordered mad food, and I did eat another piece of chicken. All and all, I think I did pretty good, but I still cheated. Can't keep doing that.
I drank a lot of water before going to sleep; I haven't really had to poop in a while lol.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 9
So today is the day for the big weight in eh?
My day started with me realizing I had some left over broccoli from two days ago. I went out with my friend the night before and she gave me some advice: Just eat fruit. Truth is, I've been trying to have these salads and veggie dishes, but everything I make taste like crap, which is strange because I love to cook and like veggies. I guess things change when you can't use extra virgin olive oil--and when you are craving fatty food but munching on watery spinach.
So yeah, I ate the broccoli, which actually tasted better the second time around more so than the first. Probably because I didn't try and top it with parsley and cilantro. I also had a mango and and an apple. I really enjoyed today's foods. Everything tasted great and even though I ate it all before 3, I wasn't hungry later so I just drank tea up until I headed out for my weigh in. But first, I stopped at my Allergist. After that I ran on over to the Queens office and...
1st weight in: 203 lbs
*confetti* 12 lbs not bad. Technically that falls into the 5 to 10 percent of my body weight sooooo, yeah, that little speel is real. Of course they could have just calculated it very well. I don't know why I keep coming up with crazy answers for why this is working. I just need to come to terms that it's legit lol.
So something else my friend said about when she was on the diet: she cheated on the nights after the weigh in. So guess what I went and did-- YUUUUP!!
It was suppose to be one chicken wing, but it became two. That's it though. I was so full from them, thank goodness. I didn't feel sick like my friend said she felt, but overly full and a bit gas-y. I can't make a habit of it... that's why I was suppose to just have one. Now I'm unsure what I'm going to do Sunday night.
Oh I didn't tell you? I am going to a dinner for a child, well teenager now, I used to nanny for. If I show any strange eating habits they will be sure to ask about it and I don't want to have this conversation with them. So I had decided-- after consulting my friend AND her mother (man, I think she's my official Sadkhin coach!)-- I decided I could order grilled fish and steamed veggies. I have a suspicion I won't finish the fish. in fact I'll pick over it the best I can, and then take it home and freeze it. save it for maintenance. Bad Bree, very bad bad Bree. No more cheating. The funny thing is, I'm not cheating with sweets even though I'm on my period. No, what I want is savory fatty foods. Intriguing.
One last thing, the balls are now detoxing my small and large intestines. Supposedly that's what causes the inches to "melt away around the mid section." We will see... I suck my tummy in unconsciously... whenever I try and let it go it feel very strange to me. That can't be healthy. any ways, Dr. Gene believes I can lose 1 to 3 inches... I'd like the latter more than the former but I guess beggars can't be choosers.
My day started with me realizing I had some left over broccoli from two days ago. I went out with my friend the night before and she gave me some advice: Just eat fruit. Truth is, I've been trying to have these salads and veggie dishes, but everything I make taste like crap, which is strange because I love to cook and like veggies. I guess things change when you can't use extra virgin olive oil--and when you are craving fatty food but munching on watery spinach.
So yeah, I ate the broccoli, which actually tasted better the second time around more so than the first. Probably because I didn't try and top it with parsley and cilantro. I also had a mango and and an apple. I really enjoyed today's foods. Everything tasted great and even though I ate it all before 3, I wasn't hungry later so I just drank tea up until I headed out for my weigh in. But first, I stopped at my Allergist. After that I ran on over to the Queens office and...
1st weight in: 203 lbs
*confetti* 12 lbs not bad. Technically that falls into the 5 to 10 percent of my body weight sooooo, yeah, that little speel is real. Of course they could have just calculated it very well. I don't know why I keep coming up with crazy answers for why this is working. I just need to come to terms that it's legit lol.
So something else my friend said about when she was on the diet: she cheated on the nights after the weigh in. So guess what I went and did-- YUUUUP!!
It was suppose to be one chicken wing, but it became two. That's it though. I was so full from them, thank goodness. I didn't feel sick like my friend said she felt, but overly full and a bit gas-y. I can't make a habit of it... that's why I was suppose to just have one. Now I'm unsure what I'm going to do Sunday night.
Oh I didn't tell you? I am going to a dinner for a child, well teenager now, I used to nanny for. If I show any strange eating habits they will be sure to ask about it and I don't want to have this conversation with them. So I had decided-- after consulting my friend AND her mother (man, I think she's my official Sadkhin coach!)-- I decided I could order grilled fish and steamed veggies. I have a suspicion I won't finish the fish. in fact I'll pick over it the best I can, and then take it home and freeze it. save it for maintenance. Bad Bree, very bad bad Bree. No more cheating. The funny thing is, I'm not cheating with sweets even though I'm on my period. No, what I want is savory fatty foods. Intriguing.
One last thing, the balls are now detoxing my small and large intestines. Supposedly that's what causes the inches to "melt away around the mid section." We will see... I suck my tummy in unconsciously... whenever I try and let it go it feel very strange to me. That can't be healthy. any ways, Dr. Gene believes I can lose 1 to 3 inches... I'd like the latter more than the former but I guess beggars can't be choosers.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 8
I don't feel so anxious anymore. That would make me feel better if not for the fact that tomorrow my balls get removed and new ones added at different pressure points. 10 more days it is. Today was a milk day and I cheated. I feel like when I cheat it's not really that bad. I ate a banana instead drinking 12 more ounces of milk. I was so full from that one freakin' banana that that was all I had for the day: 12 ounces of milk (mixed with tea) and a banana. Hell I didn't even drink all of the milk... But that's good.
I was going to end it, just go ahead and go into maintenance. But cycle two you start to lose inches, not just weight so... one more 'gain?
Yeah, I guess I have no choice but to stick this out the whole 44 days. I hope I can. Also, I went and had a drink of wine with my friend tonight and Brother Jimmy's, a BBQ spot. This is the friend who told me about the diet and turned me on to it. She did ask if it was going to be a temptation and I didn't think so-- until she ordered hush puppies... The looked and smelled so good... -_-'
So I asked for one. She said "No." :-/ well that was that... one basket came with like eight fucking puppies and she ate two and gave the rest away. It was a sad night for me. I actually havent had a hush puppy in years, but remember them fondly from my childhood. I think I want to have a "yay I made full time" party at Brother Jimmys once I get the hell off this diet. This is my second or third time coming here and I've yet to eat food, I always just have drinks. The food looks kind of legit.
I'm glad I didn't eat any, I prob would have felt sick afterwards.
I was going to end it, just go ahead and go into maintenance. But cycle two you start to lose inches, not just weight so... one more 'gain?
Yeah, I guess I have no choice but to stick this out the whole 44 days. I hope I can. Also, I went and had a drink of wine with my friend tonight and Brother Jimmy's, a BBQ spot. This is the friend who told me about the diet and turned me on to it. She did ask if it was going to be a temptation and I didn't think so-- until she ordered hush puppies... The looked and smelled so good... -_-'
So I asked for one. She said "No." :-/ well that was that... one basket came with like eight fucking puppies and she ate two and gave the rest away. It was a sad night for me. I actually havent had a hush puppy in years, but remember them fondly from my childhood. I think I want to have a "yay I made full time" party at Brother Jimmys once I get the hell off this diet. This is my second or third time coming here and I've yet to eat food, I always just have drinks. The food looks kind of legit.
I'm glad I didn't eat any, I prob would have felt sick afterwards.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 7
So I've made it a full week now *confetti*. Every little triumph is one to celebrate. Currently sipping on some pretty good red wine from France. Truth is, even a low priced bottle of wine from France is usually good. This one is a beautiful mixture of heavy tannin filled bliss. But that's not what this post is about.
This post is about... well, the Sadkhin Complex diet lol. So Monday I didn't go see a doctor because my fulltime benefits are technically "available" but at the same time not, ie: I can go to a doctor but I'll have to pay out of pocket and then send them the bill AFTER I receive my card. I'm really bad at that... Anyways all of those strange symptoms have since gone away. All but the weird chocking sensation. So I called again about it. Dr. Gene told me to come into the office today. I said, "Well I'm not dead yet so I can wait till Thursday when I'm scheduled," but he insisted. So I went. There were a lot of people at the office today. I sat and waited and then he saw me. I told him my concerns and he kind of laughed and told me it's "emotions." I did not like how he scoffed at my anxiety.
I was turned off by Dr. Genes lack of empathy for how I was feeling. He had no explanation for it other than it was my "emotions" and how it had pretty much nothing to do with the detox. I feel that if I am concerned you can at least explain to me a few things and how they are--supposedly-- not connected. He then proceeded to berate me a bit and take me out of the office to "ask other clients about my 'negative' side effects." I told him it wasn't necessary, but he continued on with it until I was in the lobby with all those clients I spoke of before. I don't see that as super professional... I know I can be very anxious, I know I am sensitive to that sort of stuff, but again, if I'm worried about something going, "You're fine." laughing, and then pushing me out the door saying, "Yeah yeah yeah." isn't going to change the situation.
It was embarrassing to say the least. I did talk to a few clients. One woman told me she lost 47 lbs. She looked great. I told her my fears and how I was feeling and about the anxiety attack and she said she gets a strange feeling as well after rotating the spheres. Though it is not as intense as mine she said she has come to the conclusion that it is from the body detoxing and is just a part of the cleanse. Another girl said she also felt a slight pressure in the throat. I talked some more to other people there about the triumphs (and fails, some had lost weight years ago but gained it back) and left not feeling so... how should I put it, on the brink of death.
Maybe it is just a part of the detox. I know I looked up the whole leg cramps thing and saw other people also had it. I told the other clients about the numbness and they nodded. Was I the only one who thought these things were I don't know, strange?
I'm still not hungry. I do find myself downing milk towards 6pm because I forgot to drink it during the day. The client who lost 47 lbs told me that that could be also causing issues. She said to try and drink a little bit through out the day instead, and not so much before rotating.
I really didn't want to quit after just one cycle; cycle two is when you start to lose inches. I at least want to partake in that one. If everything goes as I'd like, I should be about 10 to 15 lbs away from how much I weighed around June of 2011. That would be great. I don't know if I'll ever do this detox again-- thought a client said you have to come back at least once a year. Yeah right! If I manage to lose this weight, I'm gonna work like hell to keep it off. I mean the second I see a 5 lbs gain I'm gonna be on the treadmill even more than I'm hoping I'll be on already. Like I always say: I think once I get the weight down, I can keep it off by continuing to eat healthy, and staying active! A steak here and there and lots of activity. That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it!
This post is about... well, the Sadkhin Complex diet lol. So Monday I didn't go see a doctor because my fulltime benefits are technically "available" but at the same time not, ie: I can go to a doctor but I'll have to pay out of pocket and then send them the bill AFTER I receive my card. I'm really bad at that... Anyways all of those strange symptoms have since gone away. All but the weird chocking sensation. So I called again about it. Dr. Gene told me to come into the office today. I said, "Well I'm not dead yet so I can wait till Thursday when I'm scheduled," but he insisted. So I went. There were a lot of people at the office today. I sat and waited and then he saw me. I told him my concerns and he kind of laughed and told me it's "emotions." I did not like how he scoffed at my anxiety.
I was turned off by Dr. Genes lack of empathy for how I was feeling. He had no explanation for it other than it was my "emotions" and how it had pretty much nothing to do with the detox. I feel that if I am concerned you can at least explain to me a few things and how they are--supposedly-- not connected. He then proceeded to berate me a bit and take me out of the office to "ask other clients about my 'negative' side effects." I told him it wasn't necessary, but he continued on with it until I was in the lobby with all those clients I spoke of before. I don't see that as super professional... I know I can be very anxious, I know I am sensitive to that sort of stuff, but again, if I'm worried about something going, "You're fine." laughing, and then pushing me out the door saying, "Yeah yeah yeah." isn't going to change the situation.
It was embarrassing to say the least. I did talk to a few clients. One woman told me she lost 47 lbs. She looked great. I told her my fears and how I was feeling and about the anxiety attack and she said she gets a strange feeling as well after rotating the spheres. Though it is not as intense as mine she said she has come to the conclusion that it is from the body detoxing and is just a part of the cleanse. Another girl said she also felt a slight pressure in the throat. I talked some more to other people there about the triumphs (and fails, some had lost weight years ago but gained it back) and left not feeling so... how should I put it, on the brink of death.
Maybe it is just a part of the detox. I know I looked up the whole leg cramps thing and saw other people also had it. I told the other clients about the numbness and they nodded. Was I the only one who thought these things were I don't know, strange?
I'm still not hungry. I do find myself downing milk towards 6pm because I forgot to drink it during the day. The client who lost 47 lbs told me that that could be also causing issues. She said to try and drink a little bit through out the day instead, and not so much before rotating.
I really didn't want to quit after just one cycle; cycle two is when you start to lose inches. I at least want to partake in that one. If everything goes as I'd like, I should be about 10 to 15 lbs away from how much I weighed around June of 2011. That would be great. I don't know if I'll ever do this detox again-- thought a client said you have to come back at least once a year. Yeah right! If I manage to lose this weight, I'm gonna work like hell to keep it off. I mean the second I see a 5 lbs gain I'm gonna be on the treadmill even more than I'm hoping I'll be on already. Like I always say: I think once I get the weight down, I can keep it off by continuing to eat healthy, and staying active! A steak here and there and lots of activity. That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 6
Can I eat fatty food yet? Ugh, I literally miss the action of eating. I love to eat. I love food (sounds like we've been down this road before). I like eating.... *pouts* Yes, I wasn't very healthy when I gained all this weight, but believe you me, I'm pretty darn healthy now. I eat a lot of veggies and little bread or meat and I just want some olive oil gawd damn it!!
(smooths out hair) Sorry. I seemed to have lost my cool. Today I did have period cramps that were annoying enough I took an Advil. But seriously, can I cheat yet? lol. Surprisingly I didn't realized that I made it to the 6th day of the program. Yay me, I'm almost a week into it. Today was much better than the rest, no leg cramps or much numbness just good old fashion closing throat sensation. But I had a secret weapon. Remember how the Doc told me to take Valerian Root? No? maybe I forgot to mention it, but I took some and the feeling went away. It lasted about 4 or 5 hours. There has to be something at my place of work causing this because once I leave I'm fine. When I'm at home I'm super fine.
I swear, only because I'm doing this are the days moving so slow... that window to eat seems so small to me. Mostly because once I have a little something in the noon time, I often forget to eat again and then I'm like, "OH Crap, I should definitely eat something else before 6pm!" I must say hunger wise I'm pretty okay. It's just I miss food.
My coworker says I have an oral fixation. I'm sure I do. I really really REALLY reeeaaallllyyy like food. I like to bake pies and cookies and banana bread. I like the smell and sight of roast and grilled meats. I like the many different colors of berries and fruits. I like how different salad can be depending on what you add to it. I like wine and beer and how it adds that little touch of... I don't know-- flow to the meal. I enjoy the social aspect of it. I enjoy the comfort in it. I just plain enjoy it.
My friend said, "It's only six weeks of your life." But let me tell you, it's going to be a long six weeks!
On a very sad side note...
The whole explosion during the Boston Marathon thing is really tearing me up inside...I'm so... angry. Why? What's the point? I hate to sound like some kum ba yah, tree hugging hippie but... we really need to learn to love each other better....
(smooths out hair) Sorry. I seemed to have lost my cool. Today I did have period cramps that were annoying enough I took an Advil. But seriously, can I cheat yet? lol. Surprisingly I didn't realized that I made it to the 6th day of the program. Yay me, I'm almost a week into it. Today was much better than the rest, no leg cramps or much numbness just good old fashion closing throat sensation. But I had a secret weapon. Remember how the Doc told me to take Valerian Root? No? maybe I forgot to mention it, but I took some and the feeling went away. It lasted about 4 or 5 hours. There has to be something at my place of work causing this because once I leave I'm fine. When I'm at home I'm super fine.
I swear, only because I'm doing this are the days moving so slow... that window to eat seems so small to me. Mostly because once I have a little something in the noon time, I often forget to eat again and then I'm like, "OH Crap, I should definitely eat something else before 6pm!" I must say hunger wise I'm pretty okay. It's just I miss food.
My coworker says I have an oral fixation. I'm sure I do. I really really REALLY reeeaaallllyyy like food. I like to bake pies and cookies and banana bread. I like the smell and sight of roast and grilled meats. I like the many different colors of berries and fruits. I like how different salad can be depending on what you add to it. I like wine and beer and how it adds that little touch of... I don't know-- flow to the meal. I enjoy the social aspect of it. I enjoy the comfort in it. I just plain enjoy it.
My friend said, "It's only six weeks of your life." But let me tell you, it's going to be a long six weeks!
On a very sad side note...
The whole explosion during the Boston Marathon thing is really tearing me up inside...I'm so... angry. Why? What's the point? I hate to sound like some kum ba yah, tree hugging hippie but... we really need to learn to love each other better....
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 5
I felt only slightly weird. I only had a 1 day off this week at work (because of my placement in the schedule) so I headed in. Working Sundays is actually not all that bad. I'm alone and I can have the tv off the entire time! It gives me a much need break from the constant television sounds of terrible talk and court shows that we seem to watch endlessly. I worked on my 401(k), logged some tapes, and ate a banana and broccoli. I think for the first time ever I used parsley. I don't really love it... I know it works in soups, but just thrown on top, not so much... though I was eating steamed broccoli with lemon juice. I really need to spice up my meals, they all seem so... bland.
I'm going to make tomorrow's lunch tonight. "Sautéed" spinach and guacamole and carrot sticks. I decided to throw some tomatoes in the guac. I know I know, "Whaaah!! Four items!" Whatever... as long as I don't go overboard I think sometimes it'll be fine. Today my throat started feeling strange again and I said fudge it and ate an apple. I felt a little better afterwards.
We'll see what tomorrow will bring.
P.S. to all my ladies folks out there. Last night I was completely blindsided and got my "You know what." I'm lucky I forgot to wash my face and got up because only after using the bathroom did I notice. Truth is, I can usually tell when it's on it's way; I don't even have to write it in my calendar. No Pms, no nothing. a little pain, but it was so mild I didn't associate it. I'm unsure if maybe it came early because as I said, I don't write it down. But man did it come silent. I'm okay with that. Who needs a big production of it lol.
I'm going to make tomorrow's lunch tonight. "Sautéed" spinach and guacamole and carrot sticks. I decided to throw some tomatoes in the guac. I know I know, "Whaaah!! Four items!" Whatever... as long as I don't go overboard I think sometimes it'll be fine. Today my throat started feeling strange again and I said fudge it and ate an apple. I felt a little better afterwards.
We'll see what tomorrow will bring.
P.S. to all my ladies folks out there. Last night I was completely blindsided and got my "You know what." I'm lucky I forgot to wash my face and got up because only after using the bathroom did I notice. Truth is, I can usually tell when it's on it's way; I don't even have to write it in my calendar. No Pms, no nothing. a little pain, but it was so mild I didn't associate it. I'm unsure if maybe it came early because as I said, I don't write it down. But man did it come silent. I'm okay with that. Who needs a big production of it lol.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 4
My second milk day and I feel a lot better than I felt all week. Because of how weird I was feeling, I DID finish all of the allotted milk instead of just to the point of full.I just wanted to make sure I gave myself enough nutrients. I've also decided to eat the heavier of the veggies allowed so I don't feel any hunger pains. Today I pretty much just made hot milk drinks. I made a kinda strange pine needle milk mix (It's some sort of black tea that is dried on top of pine bark...It has the strangest taste) followed by a banging chai milk. I'm a big fan of chai tea so I decided to stock up on that tea.
My chest didn't feel so heavy. In fact, I was doing pretty good throughout the day. Maybe work is what's making me so tense. I cleaned the entirety of the kitchen and felt fine. I'm talking about scrubbing cabinets and stove tops! The only time I felt weird was when I stood up too quickly after being crouched down, and that happened to me even when I wasn't on this diet.
I also took some Emergen - C for the leg cramps. It seemed to help a little, and I used a heating pad on my calf to calm it down.
I really really REALLY miss eating food. I don't think so much in a sustenance way, but in a passing time way. Walking down the street and even when I am in my office--there is this strange draft that runs right by my desk and I can smell EVERYTHING the graphics office is chowing on-- I'm constantly reminded of tasty little dishes I can't have right now. Honestly it wouldn't be so bad if I could at least use olive oil or have beans.
Ah well, at least I have something to look forward to when I move on past this. I have been looking up info about large amounts of weight loss in short periods of time and someone commented on the article saying, "You're just going to blow up like a balloon as soon as you come off of the yo-yo diet." I disagree mostly with that statement. If you do a crazy diet and drop massive weight followed by not changing your eating habits and not exercising of course you will gain it back! But if you do a drastic diet and follow it up with healthy choices and being active, I don't see how that would be possible.
I'm going to make an appointment Monday to see a regular doctor about this strange panicky feeling and closing sensation in my throat. I've gone off of sugar before, and never had such a feeling so I don't know about all that... but better safe than sorry.
My chest didn't feel so heavy. In fact, I was doing pretty good throughout the day. Maybe work is what's making me so tense. I cleaned the entirety of the kitchen and felt fine. I'm talking about scrubbing cabinets and stove tops! The only time I felt weird was when I stood up too quickly after being crouched down, and that happened to me even when I wasn't on this diet.
I also took some Emergen - C for the leg cramps. It seemed to help a little, and I used a heating pad on my calf to calm it down.
I really really REALLY miss eating food. I don't think so much in a sustenance way, but in a passing time way. Walking down the street and even when I am in my office--there is this strange draft that runs right by my desk and I can smell EVERYTHING the graphics office is chowing on-- I'm constantly reminded of tasty little dishes I can't have right now. Honestly it wouldn't be so bad if I could at least use olive oil or have beans.
Ah well, at least I have something to look forward to when I move on past this. I have been looking up info about large amounts of weight loss in short periods of time and someone commented on the article saying, "You're just going to blow up like a balloon as soon as you come off of the yo-yo diet." I disagree mostly with that statement. If you do a crazy diet and drop massive weight followed by not changing your eating habits and not exercising of course you will gain it back! But if you do a drastic diet and follow it up with healthy choices and being active, I don't see how that would be possible.
I'm going to make an appointment Monday to see a regular doctor about this strange panicky feeling and closing sensation in my throat. I've gone off of sugar before, and never had such a feeling so I don't know about all that... but better safe than sorry.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 3
On to day three and today is a milk day. I read that the milk days were easier. I have to say as far as fullness goes perhaps they are easier days. But NOT physically putting food into my mouth was kind of depressing. I honestly do like to eat. I could feel the difference between being hungry and eating just because it was time to eat.
I didn't drink all the milk. I just wasn't interested in it. I tried though. Maybe I shouldn't mix it with tea? Though I did about a cup of milk and half a cup of tea, I still only managed about 2.5 cups. That's not too bad, that's how much they usually tell you to drink.
I didn't drink all the milk. I just wasn't interested in it. I tried though. Maybe I shouldn't mix it with tea? Though I did about a cup of milk and half a cup of tea, I still only managed about 2.5 cups. That's not too bad, that's how much they usually tell you to drink.
I felt that weird tightening chest grip I felt yesterday before the panic attack. So I watched some Youtube videos of tranquil babbling brooks in Japan. Then it got busy at work. I was fine after that mostly. From time to time I get a strange feeling in my body. What if I really am Diabetic... :( I'd definitely have to stop. I called the office in Manhattan and the doctor there seems like the bees knees. He didn't have a thick crazy accent like the other doctor, and he assured me that, "...The only side effect of this diet is weight loss." Right. Well now it's time to put in a call to a doctor's office. Thank goodness I now have insurance.
I also have weird numbness. I have bad circulation, so I always gett a little numbness when I sit weird. But this felt like it moved around. That can't be good... Why am I having so many problems with this...? I have only heard positive things...
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 2
Again I woke up pretty okay. I drank green tea all morning again. I already drank a lot of green tea before so it's not really a big deal to me. I have a grumble here and there but nothing too serious. For me, usually after I rotate I feel a little rumble and then it goes away as if I shut something off.
When lunch time does come around I pull out the salad I made this morning: sliced apples to snack on, and a romaine lettuce salad with tomatoes and cilantro. I threw out my onion last night (like a smart person) mostly because it seemed to have been in the fridge for a while... as I was eating it with the lemon juice, it seemed so terrible, like it was missing something. I ran on downstairs from my building and went to a food cart to ask for a strange request: raw onions. I stood on line and asked. The man asked me if I wanted chicken with it. I wanted to say yes, my dear gracious man.
He gave me a bunch of chopped onions and I asked if I could pay him something for it. He said no and I ran off with my free onions. Awesome. Once I added the onions to the salad, the world came together and all was at peace. So I thought...
I've been stressing about so many things for so long recently. On top of that I made a poor decision to eat two pintes of ice cream in three says about oh three weeks ago. My body has felt weird ever since. I joked and said it was acute Diabetes...
Long story short I had a terrible panic attack towards the end of the day at work. It did not feel good at all. I believe I've had them before, but that was the first time it was so... so very intense.
Not sure if it had anything to do with the drastic change in diet or acupuncture points. Is it possible I am pushing down too hard? Rotating too fast? Am I really Diabetic? This would be news to me....
I have to call them tomorrow and ask. Maybe this was a bad idea after all.
When lunch time does come around I pull out the salad I made this morning: sliced apples to snack on, and a romaine lettuce salad with tomatoes and cilantro. I threw out my onion last night (like a smart person) mostly because it seemed to have been in the fridge for a while... as I was eating it with the lemon juice, it seemed so terrible, like it was missing something. I ran on downstairs from my building and went to a food cart to ask for a strange request: raw onions. I stood on line and asked. The man asked me if I wanted chicken with it. I wanted to say yes, my dear gracious man.
He gave me a bunch of chopped onions and I asked if I could pay him something for it. He said no and I ran off with my free onions. Awesome. Once I added the onions to the salad, the world came together and all was at peace. So I thought...
I've been stressing about so many things for so long recently. On top of that I made a poor decision to eat two pintes of ice cream in three says about oh three weeks ago. My body has felt weird ever since. I joked and said it was acute Diabetes...
Long story short I had a terrible panic attack towards the end of the day at work. It did not feel good at all. I believe I've had them before, but that was the first time it was so... so very intense.
Not sure if it had anything to do with the drastic change in diet or acupuncture points. Is it possible I am pushing down too hard? Rotating too fast? Am I really Diabetic? This would be news to me....
I have to call them tomorrow and ask. Maybe this was a bad idea after all.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 1
That wasn't so bad. I seemed to wake up with no problem and drank green tea all morning. Thanks to Cathy and her very detailed blog about her experience, I knew that setting an alarm to go off on your phone every two hours seemed to be the best bet for me to remember to rotate the little spheres. I have to say, outside of a few times when I was busy at work, the alarms worked very well. From time to time I had to finish up something or was in transit so I would be 5 to 10 minutes late, but it was rare.
I was kind of ready for lunch. I made a spinach salad with avocado and good ole free toppings cilantro and onions. I also squeezed a wedge of lemon juice on top. For later I brought a whole mango, but one of the smaller ones that grow in Mexico.
Oops I made a mistake though...
First of all, according to the little instruction handout because of the properties that make up mango, bananas, and avocados, one on the diet is not suppose to have more than one of those items a day. I had both a mango and an avocado. Already out of the starting gate and my horse tripped over air.
Secondly, in my rush to make lunch I misread the booklet about another key factor: you can have 1. 5 lbs of veggies ie. 24 ounces. I read 1.5 cups... so I only brought about a cup of spinach to work. I definitely did not eat all that much. When I got home I ate the other half of the avocado I had and what was left of the spinach, which wasn't much. I decided to read the package and found, even if I ate the entirety of the bag, it would only be 9 ounces.... ouch.... I don't think I ate enough today...
I will do better. I will make lunch tonight for tomorrow, that way I won't mess up.
**Update**
So I forgot to mention that this diet uses accupressure to control your hunger, but also to 'detox' certain organs depending on where the balls are placed. This first cycle the balls are placed in a spot that "shrink your stomach" and detox your liver.
I was kind of ready for lunch. I made a spinach salad with avocado and good ole free toppings cilantro and onions. I also squeezed a wedge of lemon juice on top. For later I brought a whole mango, but one of the smaller ones that grow in Mexico.
Oops I made a mistake though...
First of all, according to the little instruction handout because of the properties that make up mango, bananas, and avocados, one on the diet is not suppose to have more than one of those items a day. I had both a mango and an avocado. Already out of the starting gate and my horse tripped over air.
Secondly, in my rush to make lunch I misread the booklet about another key factor: you can have 1. 5 lbs of veggies ie. 24 ounces. I read 1.5 cups... so I only brought about a cup of spinach to work. I definitely did not eat all that much. When I got home I ate the other half of the avocado I had and what was left of the spinach, which wasn't much. I decided to read the package and found, even if I ate the entirety of the bag, it would only be 9 ounces.... ouch.... I don't think I ate enough today...
I will do better. I will make lunch tonight for tomorrow, that way I won't mess up.
**Update**
So I forgot to mention that this diet uses accupressure to control your hunger, but also to 'detox' certain organs depending on where the balls are placed. This first cycle the balls are placed in a spot that "shrink your stomach" and detox your liver.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Sadkhin Diet: Day 0
The day before my Sadkhin diet-- or as my friend likes to call it the "Sad Kid Diet"-- I told a guy I'm dating I was going to be unable to partake of tasty, fattening, cakey, heavy, buttery, and sweet items for a while. Six weeks to be exact. I was going on a diet. He immediately answered back, "Then we must give you a last meal." That is certainly a good idea. Even though the phrasing is quite depressing, there's no reason not to. If this plan goes as it says it will, I'll be reaping the benefits before you even know the diet is over. At least that's what I tell myself.
I visited the Queens center and watched a short video about it. The "Certified Practitioner" seemed a bit more interested in trying to charm me up then anything else. He was nice, but the consultation / oh we're starting didn't last long and I knew I would forget all the questions I wanted to ask. Because I am "a good girl"(his words not min) He's allowing me three whole glasses of milk. Wahoo. I was done before I knew it, and headed home to get ready for my last meal.
So my friend and I hit up a local Elmhurst delight: Spicy Shallot. I ordered a crispy duck pad thai (it was okay. A strange combination since pad thai was originally a seafood dish and I like my duck the handing in the window in chinatown sorta way). I think made sure that every bite I took would count. God forbid I forget what pasta oily goodness taste like.
I'm doing this because sometimes it's good to try new things. I've lost 15 or so pounds by myself very slowly over a few months. I feel like this is more than just the fad diet, but a cleanse almost. I am a little skeptical, but I've read other blogs and have had a friend and her family do it with good results so... I'll try and stay optimistic. Welp, here goes.
Starting Weight: 210**
Sadkhin Initial weight: 215
** Note: I often will weigh myself in the morning not after a day of eating, so I can feel good about how low the scale is lol. The official weigh in was at 7pm. For the purpose of these coming blog entries, I will only list the Sadkhin official weight from now on.
I visited the Queens center and watched a short video about it. The "Certified Practitioner" seemed a bit more interested in trying to charm me up then anything else. He was nice, but the consultation / oh we're starting didn't last long and I knew I would forget all the questions I wanted to ask. Because I am "a good girl"(his words not min) He's allowing me three whole glasses of milk. Wahoo. I was done before I knew it, and headed home to get ready for my last meal.
So my friend and I hit up a local Elmhurst delight: Spicy Shallot. I ordered a crispy duck pad thai (it was okay. A strange combination since pad thai was originally a seafood dish and I like my duck the handing in the window in chinatown sorta way). I think made sure that every bite I took would count. God forbid I forget what pasta oily goodness taste like.
I'm doing this because sometimes it's good to try new things. I've lost 15 or so pounds by myself very slowly over a few months. I feel like this is more than just the fad diet, but a cleanse almost. I am a little skeptical, but I've read other blogs and have had a friend and her family do it with good results so... I'll try and stay optimistic. Welp, here goes.
Starting Weight: 210**
Sadkhin Initial weight: 215
** Note: I often will weigh myself in the morning not after a day of eating, so I can feel good about how low the scale is lol. The official weigh in was at 7pm. For the purpose of these coming blog entries, I will only list the Sadkhin official weight from now on.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Movie Review: Admission
To start off I love Tina Fey. You could even call her my idol-- if you're into that sort of thing.
"Admission" is a very heart steady, outlandishly mediocre story trying its best to pass itself as more. Tina Fey and Paul Rudd as possible love interests fizzled into watered down blandness and the movie is dotted throughout with a weak and awkward screen chemistry. Sadly, it's still a better love story than Twilight. I will try my best to not spoil the movie for those so inclined to give their hard earn money for a light napping session, but I can't not talk about certain parts so here we go.
SPOILER ALERT (sorta)
Tina Fey, Portia, plays just about who she always plays: socially awkward, hard working, childless mid 30's something woman (with glasses no shocker there) who is a Princeton University admissions officer; long term relationship with a Princeton... professer? --who knows!-- who are contently unhappy with each other. Paul Rudd, John, plays the cool "there are no rules man" adventurous school teacher / Greenpeace member / Mr. unconventional hot guy running an alternative school that teaches kids to be free spirited and cognitive thinkers-- he also adopted an african kid and is rich. The rest is movie fools gold. While watching it, I felt like the screenplay may have been the final project written by a college sophomore taking his first screenwriting class. The momentum is lacking, and even if it meant to be unconventional in its story arc set up (you know three acts, 2 set backs, and a climax) Karen Croner did a terrible job setting up fluidity. As much as it hurts me to say, I am not a fan of this style (believe me, as a woman in this business, we really should stick together). Maybe it's not even the writer's fault! Maybe it's Paul Weitz, the director of the yawn inducing film. Either way... meeeeh! Let's continue
Portia's mother is all over the place with her woman's feminist time warp movement. There's a Princeton professor who has no purpose in the movie, it seems, other than to be painfully blunt and to prey on Portia's mother for sexual enlightenment (though I must say his accent is devilishly sexy, and there's a certain sort of allure to the character). Come to find out, there's a possibility John only contacted Portia because he did some snooping and thinks Jeremiah, boy genius who happens to be a student at his school (have I not mentioned him yet?), might be her illegitimate offspring she gave up 18 years prior. That's right, Portia's a whore. Just kidding. It's much deeper than that. John knows the potential Jeremiah--boy genius-- has and would like to help him get into Princeton. Coming across possible information that points Portia as possible mummy makes him think he has the right to barge into her life.
Some scenes weren't even necessary, which is always a bad sign. Once you get past the drag, you do however see some of the underlining social issues that the movie is trying to touch on: college age pregnancy, adoption (and if you think about it abortion or the decision against it), what motherhood means to some, life cycle, family, the list can go on; kudos on that. But more scenes were about awkward kissing than real issues. Another redeeming quality of the film is the running gag through out between Portia and her previous boyfriend (that one I mentioned before, he becomes her ex). Portia finds herself constantly running into him at what can be possibly her lowest points in the movie (with his pregnant lover in tow). Those parts made me laugh the hardest because they were hardly necessary and yet very much welcomed for their awkward randomness. Without those little golden moments and the social worker's laundry list of societal problems, the movie would have been beyond tolerable.
Oh I lie. There is another redeeming factor: how the movie ends. Movies are suppose to be this gateway to another world almost. Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back; happily ever after. I'm a big fan of the movies that have loose ends and reality checks. This movie definitely ends with a pretty forward reality check: if you do something wrong, illegal, or bad there are consequences; you won't magically be exempt from them. There are so many decisions we make in our lives and the consequences that follow may take years before we realize them; and sometimes we don't get a second chance. I didn't see it as the happiest of endings and I was okay with that. It wasn't the happiest of stories. It's not a comedy (outside of the running gag).
I have a tendency to only write reviews about terrible movies. I'm trying to change that. I want to also write reviews about great ones. Admissions is not a great one. Watch at your own risk... of dying from bordem.
Sorry Admission; your denial letter is in the mail!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Loosely Lucid; Densely Aware
I have been practicing lucid dreaming lately. I've always thought, in the past and even now, that maybe I could figure some things out if I just got inside of my own head... Walked around a bit, you know, take in the sights...
When I go to sleep at night-- not every night but at least 50 percent of the time-- I've attempted to lucid dream. So far I haven't been able to (I think); but I come close... I often do fall into sleep paralysis so there's a start. The problem seems to be right as I reach the edge of awareness, something very dark, very scary.... very unnerving lashes out at me and I sit straight up in my bed. When I say sit up I mean 90 degree angle, heavy breath; racing heart. If I'm not too terrified I do a reality check to make sure I'm not dreaming.... I never am; though once I may have been... When I started I didn't do reality checks and only recently realized without doing so, I might not be able to tell if I was awake or dreaming. It's not necessarily an image or a creature, but whatever it is frightens me.
There are other ways to reach lucidity though. Once I had fallen to sleep listening to binaural beats, that music that changes your brain wave pattern. I can't remember much about that experience out side of seeing the purple moon from the video and then the words, "You are dreaming!" blaring into my sub-conscience. I immediately sat up in my bed (there's a pattern in that it seems) and took my headphones off. Why was it so loud? I listened to the music ahead of time to make sure it was low.... I assumed I was just dreaming and managed to infiltrate my own dream with music. Truth is the song wasn't even playing anymore and I had turned down my screen brightness so it was dark, so... yeah confusion.
I fell back asleep fast and dreamt of biting into a boiled egg only to find a tiny half alive half dead baby chick inside. I had taken a little piece out of its body, a little pink line formed where my teeth had been. I spit it out upset, and had a string of baby chick flesh stuck in my teeth that I had to manually dislodge. As gruesome as that image might seem... It wasn't so much while I was dreaming. It was more comical than anything else. Disturbing... but comical.
I guess I'm looking for answers; I'm always working towards self improvement. Every time I think I've built myself a steady foundation, I later find it to be missing key pieces I thought it had. I want to fix it. I want to fix me.
A few people have told me I should be looking to religion for help. I say, it's not my time to discover that. God and I already have an understanding; a spiritual connection and it has been an integral part of my survival thus far. Other people say it's all in my head. I kind of agree with them.... (duh! that's why I'm trying to get in there!). I just feel... that if I can manage to get off of my self loathing rear and do a few things with my writing, I could be...
I bet you would like to know how that sentence was suppose to end. Just know I wrote it; rewrote it and rewrote it again. There was no possible way for me to write that sentence, without giving it a morbid ending. How terrible of me.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Collegiate Postpartum Depression
Hi,
My name is Bree and I suffer from Collegiate Postpartum Depression or CPD for short. What is that you ask? Oh, it's just a terrible horrid disease that is currently afflicting my every being. Symptoms include loss of hope in finding an actual career, boredom at current job, anxiety about the future, excessive hobby joining behavior and --sometimes-- extreme procrastination.
How's that for an opening paragraph. Sometimes I feel like I have little to nothing when it comes to talents. There was nothing special about me in elementary school. I remember my best friend back then loved to draw. Even if she's not a well know or even a struggling artist now, I remember that being her passion and she was pretty good at it. Not so for me. High school came around and once again no special talent fell upon me.
Now that I have put in the four... five... oh let's not play the counting game... but the numerous allotted baccalaureate years in order to get my adult green card, I feel even more further from my life purpose than ever before.
Everything I'm good at EVERYONE is good at. I honestly don't feel special in any shape or form. In fact, I have plenty of things I need to work on; so many I don't even know where to start. Ancient Bree Confucius wisdom state, "In order to have a hand in being successful, one must have a hand in successfully having a hand in being successful."
No one ever said it made since.
Even though I am not suppose to measure my success with any one other person's, I can't help but feel like I fell asleep before the big race and now am playing 'catch up' for what will probably be the rest of my 20 something life. Even Hank Hill from the well accepted television show 'King of the Hill' felt he had a life purpose in selling propane and propane accessaries. As mediocre as it may have seemed, well, those items weren't going to sell themselves.
I just feel like 'we', whomever we are, have this destined for great things feel about our lives, but overlook the fact that we are missing a few key components when it comes to making it to said destination:
My name is Bree and I suffer from Collegiate Postpartum Depression or CPD for short. What is that you ask? Oh, it's just a terrible horrid disease that is currently afflicting my every being. Symptoms include loss of hope in finding an actual career, boredom at current job, anxiety about the future, excessive hobby joining behavior and --sometimes-- extreme procrastination.
How's that for an opening paragraph. Sometimes I feel like I have little to nothing when it comes to talents. There was nothing special about me in elementary school. I remember my best friend back then loved to draw. Even if she's not a well know or even a struggling artist now, I remember that being her passion and she was pretty good at it. Not so for me. High school came around and once again no special talent fell upon me.
Now that I have put in the four... five... oh let's not play the counting game... but the numerous allotted baccalaureate years in order to get my adult green card, I feel even more further from my life purpose than ever before.
Everything I'm good at EVERYONE is good at. I honestly don't feel special in any shape or form. In fact, I have plenty of things I need to work on; so many I don't even know where to start. Ancient Bree Confucius wisdom state, "In order to have a hand in being successful, one must have a hand in successfully having a hand in being successful."
No one ever said it made since.
Even though I am not suppose to measure my success with any one other person's, I can't help but feel like I fell asleep before the big race and now am playing 'catch up' for what will probably be the rest of my 20 something life. Even Hank Hill from the well accepted television show 'King of the Hill' felt he had a life purpose in selling propane and propane accessaries. As mediocre as it may have seemed, well, those items weren't going to sell themselves.
I just feel like 'we', whomever we are, have this destined for great things feel about our lives, but overlook the fact that we are missing a few key components when it comes to making it to said destination:
- Tried and true belief in ourselves
- An actual path to follow
- The willingness to work hard for our dreams
- Dedication
- Ability
- Luck and the list goes on...
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