...a cynic. Just like that; dredging through life it seems one minute at
a time judging everyone I see and drawing in my perimeter: Don't touch
me. I loathe you. Why are you breathing near me?
I
wish I could blame others. Society is morally crumbling faster each day;
but I have to blame myself. Curse my cancerian signage! I really do try
and open up: I'm not a prude. I'm pretty easy going, but I do take things very personal.
More often than not some poor human judgement on my part makes me scuttle back into my shell. No more adventures for me.
And
when this happens, either I care too much or not at all. there is no
gray in that thought process, though rarely do I not care at all. I
guess what I'm trying to say is, it usually will eat at me.
But there is hope yes? Hope for those who are angry and snarky and pessimistic like me. Just kidding not really...
Well
actually I don't know. All I know is the more I press forward the more
it burns my skin, this hell I'm living in (hey it rhymes).
Flames
licking at me when I sleep and when I wake, no down time. Interacting
with others takes so much of my energy. It's exhausting. Especially when
someone wants my time and I'm hesitant to give them it. I feel tired
just thinking about it.
Oh,
I also don't trust anyone. *sigh* Of course I do a little... because I
am the one person who will always give a benefit of the doubt. But every
time I get burned I trust a little less.
I
really want to believe mankind isn't a giant quivering asshole. But it
is. Bleached pink and ever flowing with the endless shit that is...well,
shit.
That's okay though. That's what being a
cynic is all about. Finding the brown lining that is undoubtedly hidden
behind the silver. Pointing it out and saying, "Hey look everyone! Look
how shitty this thing is. Isn't it terrible? Isn't it the worst?"
hmm.. Don't
you hate those awkward dreams you have? Those sex dreams with a person
you never were attracted to or felt anything for. During the dream
you're loving it, but when you wake up you feel weird, maybe even
ashamed that you fucked your friend's dad, or your ex- boyfriend's
brother.
That's how I feel sometimes ... that weird
slightly worried but mostly confused feeling you get when you realize
you mentally fucked someone (or didn't, maybe you just dreamt of weird
sexy things with them). Either way it stays with you.
It lingers.
It's annoying.
I'm annoyed.
