20 Somethings

I've been chasing down what exactly I should be doing right now for a long time now... and I have yet to find it. I'm not sure what I am amazing at, but I do know I do not want to have a nine to five job sitting at a desk getting more and more complacent... (or complaisant, I can never tell which is which honestly). All I know is  since before I left college with a piece of paper in hand, I've been trying to figure my life's purpose. More than that, I've been trying to figure out what would make me happy. Some sort of life's work / worth. that would take up a lot of my time that I actually gained monetarily from AND enjoyed AND was good at. Something that wouldn't add any more negativity to a negative sort of world.

I've yet to figure out what that is. And I'm starting to become jaded nay I say it, placid at the mere thought of anything other than my current existence. I see the way my boss lives his life....he isn't doing anything...he's just there... I don't want to be just there. I get it, sometimes you get a few responsibilities, maybe some kids, mostly some bills, and then you just start doing stuff that will pay those said bills....

But there has to be someone to do those type of boring day to day jobs. Everyone can't be a freethinker, going with the wind sort of person, right? Some people don't get to choose a path and have to take what they can get to take care of what they have, but I'm not in that position...at all. So why is it so hard for me to figure out what I need to do to be happy with myself? I feel like this is a question I'v asked way too many times. I'm tired of asking it. I'm just ready to live it; whatever it is.

I'm losing hope. I'm losing that feeling that I will figure it all out. I've been trying to figure it all out for years now...and I know, I'm still quote unquote, "young enough." I honestly feel like I'm running against a clock that is moving warp speed while I'm stuck in the slow lane. Maybe I will never figure it out.  Now that just sounds depressing.